This week, the Ukrainian playwright Polina Polozhentseva writes about how to react to well-meaning questions from foreigners, while your flat at home in Ukraine is being bombed.
I know how you fee Polina. My usual reply is "I've seen better days". I moved to Ukraine 11 years ago (wife is Ukrainian), it was bad timing, ended up in Makiivka, now in the so-called fictional "DNR". My wife had a flat there, we lost that one in 2014. I bought a new flat to replace the one she lost in Makiivka on the Ukrainian side at Pokrovsk. In February and March this year our home was bombed around half a dozen times, give or take. The entire neighbourhood was destroyed along with our block of flats that burned for 4 days (there was no town water to put the fire out, even if the fire brigade was there).
To be honest, I could never go back to Australia where I grew up (ancestry is the former Yugoslavia), because of the same ignorance you encounter in the UK. e.g. "Why should we care about Ukraine when there are so many other wars going on on the world", but you ask these stupid Aussies that used to be my "friends" (and were actually quite racist), ok, besides Israel/Gaza & other obvious examples like Syria, name me some of these other wars you suddenly care about (there are about 30 going on in the world give or take) and they couldn't name any. Maybe Africa ??? Ok Africa is a continent, name the countries in Africa, Mali, Sudan maybe....no response.
Needles to say, I am here in Ukraine to the end, my wife and I will not leave and I cannot go back to the ignorance, and ambivalence I would have to put up with back in Australia. It would literally drive me insane. I would rather take my chances here in Ukraine with my wife and two Pokrovsk refugee cats (we are relatively safe in far west Ukraine now), even though our home in Pokrovsk is gone and I cannot afford to buy another to replace it. Would be good if we could get the one in Makiivka back!
Anyway, in the end Polina, We've seen better days....snd some time in the future, we will go back to those better days!
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I hate these kinds of questions. And I hate when people say, "You must be missing your family. Don’t worry, Ukraine will win and you’ll return to your country one day."
I’ve noticed that well-educated people don’t ask "How are you?" in that typical pitying way. Instead, they say something generally supportive and don’t tell me personally what I should do or where I should go.
I'm glad she wrote this, it is good for me to hear the other side. Because I used to ask the people in Ukraine I thought were my friends how they were, you message one in Odesa after bad strikes check in. The answer was always "everything is fine". Everything is not fine. While I wish for details and the videos I used to get to keep me informed, I'm sure if it's many people asking that gets tiring. And while I want details to provide support from mailing packages to sending some money to those I know, I also understand the buffer one needs especially from people online. Some just try to live their lives. It's so hard, I don't want to keep asking knowing I won't get a real answer, I don't think they want to be asked. Some are turning to what I consider vices to cope. I just hope my empathy and compassion isn't in vain and that if there's anything I can say or do that matters I'll be able to. Even if it seems insignificant against a long and ugly war.
I have no idea how somebody from Ukraine would feel. I might ask the same question myself, simply in a misguided attempt to do small talk. But I agree with you that he/she doesn’t want to hear about all your problems. How are they to follow up if you tell them about the flat? Actually if people you don’t know ask you that question they are not interested in true answers, but light small talk. Still, people are probably willing to learn a little from you.
That's my struggle - I really do want to know the truth, to both understand and perhaps help. But at the same time I can't imagine having to rehash this nightmare several times a day!
I don’t think you should. But I also hope that a polite answer along the lines of I don’t want to talk about it should help. People might be put off, but they will respect it. Mostly.
🙏Polina for your blunt honesty. I too find the “How are you” question daunting. Human nature though cannot be avoided in today’s techno world.
I also to heed your responses & the rhythm of the answer. In the fast pace world of war, one’s answers need to be short & triaged these days. I keep my responses in a moment & tell the questioner so in my mind @ x. Enjoyed your piece👍 🙏💙🇺🇦💛🙏
I know how you fee Polina. My usual reply is "I've seen better days". I moved to Ukraine 11 years ago (wife is Ukrainian), it was bad timing, ended up in Makiivka, now in the so-called fictional "DNR". My wife had a flat there, we lost that one in 2014. I bought a new flat to replace the one she lost in Makiivka on the Ukrainian side at Pokrovsk. In February and March this year our home was bombed around half a dozen times, give or take. The entire neighbourhood was destroyed along with our block of flats that burned for 4 days (there was no town water to put the fire out, even if the fire brigade was there).
To be honest, I could never go back to Australia where I grew up (ancestry is the former Yugoslavia), because of the same ignorance you encounter in the UK. e.g. "Why should we care about Ukraine when there are so many other wars going on on the world", but you ask these stupid Aussies that used to be my "friends" (and were actually quite racist), ok, besides Israel/Gaza & other obvious examples like Syria, name me some of these other wars you suddenly care about (there are about 30 going on in the world give or take) and they couldn't name any. Maybe Africa ??? Ok Africa is a continent, name the countries in Africa, Mali, Sudan maybe....no response.
Needles to say, I am here in Ukraine to the end, my wife and I will not leave and I cannot go back to the ignorance, and ambivalence I would have to put up with back in Australia. It would literally drive me insane. I would rather take my chances here in Ukraine with my wife and two Pokrovsk refugee cats (we are relatively safe in far west Ukraine now), even though our home in Pokrovsk is gone and I cannot afford to buy another to replace it. Would be good if we could get the one in Makiivka back!
Anyway, in the end Polina, We've seen better days....snd some time in the future, we will go back to those better days!
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I hate these kinds of questions. And I hate when people say, "You must be missing your family. Don’t worry, Ukraine will win and you’ll return to your country one day."
I’ve noticed that well-educated people don’t ask "How are you?" in that typical pitying way. Instead, they say something generally supportive and don’t tell me personally what I should do or where I should go.
I'm glad she wrote this, it is good for me to hear the other side. Because I used to ask the people in Ukraine I thought were my friends how they were, you message one in Odesa after bad strikes check in. The answer was always "everything is fine". Everything is not fine. While I wish for details and the videos I used to get to keep me informed, I'm sure if it's many people asking that gets tiring. And while I want details to provide support from mailing packages to sending some money to those I know, I also understand the buffer one needs especially from people online. Some just try to live their lives. It's so hard, I don't want to keep asking knowing I won't get a real answer, I don't think they want to be asked. Some are turning to what I consider vices to cope. I just hope my empathy and compassion isn't in vain and that if there's anything I can say or do that matters I'll be able to. Even if it seems insignificant against a long and ugly war.
I have no idea how somebody from Ukraine would feel. I might ask the same question myself, simply in a misguided attempt to do small talk. But I agree with you that he/she doesn’t want to hear about all your problems. How are they to follow up if you tell them about the flat? Actually if people you don’t know ask you that question they are not interested in true answers, but light small talk. Still, people are probably willing to learn a little from you.
That's my struggle - I really do want to know the truth, to both understand and perhaps help. But at the same time I can't imagine having to rehash this nightmare several times a day!
I don’t think you should. But I also hope that a polite answer along the lines of I don’t want to talk about it should help. People might be put off, but they will respect it. Mostly.
Great answer, I like it! And it may filter the sincere from those that, I don't know the expression for it, but just like to hear about disasters.
🙏Polina for your blunt honesty. I too find the “How are you” question daunting. Human nature though cannot be avoided in today’s techno world.
I also to heed your responses & the rhythm of the answer. In the fast pace world of war, one’s answers need to be short & triaged these days. I keep my responses in a moment & tell the questioner so in my mind @ x. Enjoyed your piece👍 🙏💙🇺🇦💛🙏